Old Age; a perfect definition of torment

Awake. in the middle of the night, I am.
Forsake. by the world in this empty land, I am.
ache. my brain, my body, my soul. it does.
break. my bones, my will, my hope. it does.

Now when i sit back and recall

Where did all my time go?
I used to be smart, always cared about the future though.
thought it'd be hard so i decided to stay low.
but now when i sit back and recall...
the children i thought would never grow
the friends that i made and that imaginary foe
where is my memory? where did my time go?

now when i sit back and reminisce
moving in my rocking chair, hardly making a hiss
thought, thought id stay young forever
fun can wait, studies you better savor
now when i sit back and recall
a dive in my past seems more like a fall
i lived like a robot, doing what was asked
throughout my life my feelings, they remained masked
never thought id say this but
where did my time go?
where did all my time go?

a fall in the fairy land.

Life, What is it? Waking up in the morning, working hard throughout the day just to make sure we get a good peaceful sleep during the night. Isnt this the circle  of life? isnt this how your days pass by. No really, think about it. When you're working your ass off during the day, doesnt the thought of a peaceful sleep seem like a reward you? well i would be damned to hear otherwise.

Peaceful Sleep? huh only if i were lucky enough to get that. now dont get me wrong here. Sleep, i get a lot of it. and one would consider that peaceful, considering nobody ever woke me up from that important regime. but obviously the defination of peacefulness would vary. now to me.

its 6 in the morning now and i sure as hell dont want to sleep. My body is tired and my hands can barely write this, but the grey matter, the great spiral pulse, the all knowing yet all empty or in the laymans term ,the brain deosnt want me to stop. "Continue", it says! "you have to write this down. thats the only way out." Huh. way out? wow! i am in a constant race with my own inner self. i try catching it but guess it doesnnt want to be caught. Maybe i am not ready for it. to catch it, to know what my inner most self feels like. what i actually want to do, what i actually want to say, what i actually want to eat, what i actually want to feel. How i actually want to live. Huh. how wonderful does that dream sound like. huh, knowing the reason for everything that you do and having no regrets at the end.

What to write, have got no words.

Am i wrong? for trying to think that we will have a better future ? for thinking that we will rise from this hell fire? for thinking that there's still goodness in my country? for thinking that i can have my right to speak ? for thinking that one day, we will have justice? for thinking that i am right, and whatever i see in my country, is nothing but a mere illusion of hatred and sorrow? for thinking that my country is no different than other well established and renowned countries of the world?
If i am wrong, which people tend to believe i am, then i dont want to know the truth! i dont want to read the facts, i want to live in this dream because this dream helps me breathe , because I cant live knowing that my country is dying and i am on the other end of the world peacefully typing a blog and theres nothing i can do about it.

Millions i have taken but one step is all it took.

no we need to apologize for the doings of these so called muslims, because if we won't, who would? this anarchy created by these sociopaths from no fault of our own do have an identity, and that identity as much as we would like the world to not know, is Islam. As much as we want to ignore that, its not the faults of the common citizens of Usa or europe to be scared of anyone claiming to be Muslims. No, they aren't gonna see you inside out before rushing away from your your vicinity. I was a child once. there was this one mentally retarded guy living around the neighborhood. i grew up watching him spit on random people, throw bricks at the cars passing by, talking to himself and suddenly laughing; giving creeps to the people in the vicinity. As a child it was ccertainly enough to know that the neighborhood wasn't safe anymore. Soon i would change the direction of my path once i saw him nearby. being a child and not having enough intellect soon anyone that looked like him, resembled him in anyway, or talked to him , or even empathized with him entered my "people to stay away from" list. after all the failed efforts to get him out of the neighborhood my parents decided it was better for us to move away. the point being, its always easy to run away from the problem instead of understanding it and trying to come up.with a solution. This past of mine is actually a lot similar to the situation at hand. For instance that mad man of my past is actually a great representation of these wannabe Muslims of today acting out of their own absurdity. living out in their own imaginative world having no idea of what chaos they are leaving behind. The child version of me is a perfect portrait of a the scared western world. they have seen enough horrendous acts of violence that they now don't give a second thought to changing the direction from anyone who looks like the madman! they hate everyone that could somehow be related to him. And instead of sitting with me and telling me how it wasn't the mad mans fault, how he needed some treatment and he could be fixed and how the neighborhood could be peaceful again, my parents took an easy way out. A human instinct no less, Apparently. We the Muslims (the so called true ones) are the parents in this case. instead of sitting in our homes and asking those westerners to have some compassion and respect and asking them to not paint the picture as they see fit, we should be out there proving them that theres a clear segregation. Go out there and openly condemn and give authorities the full right to investigate all others. and show the world that we dont stand with these so called muslims. we need to show them that we are different. we are peace loving and respectful people. Islam, if anything helps us to become better not worse than what we, as human beings, normally are. that we need to show, actions do speak louder than words, dont they?

A life in need is a life indeed.

I am a simple guy. I see an apple on the ground, i dont question the physics behind it. how did it fall? how did it reach here? why hasnt anybody eaten it yet? is it a trap? no. I dont ask myself these question before taking a step. I just simply go out there, pick it up, wash it and eventually eat it. Its probably because of that simplicity that i have fallen off of trees countless times, now the tree here is a metaphorical one, wish it was literal though, would hurt less. (btw, I can barely climb up my bed at night let alone climb a fucking tree). You see, people come up and tell me two plus two equals four and i believe them. they keep on telling me things that are logical and make sense and i keep on believing them. And before i know it i am dependent upon them. I cant reach to a rational conclusion without seeking for their help. Huh. it has also worked the other way around. The people keep on feeding me the answers and fair conclusions that every time i make a decision, they believe it has to be changed. they have to alter it in a way that makes them happy. The bottom line is i can easily be convinced. I can barely take a stand.

Today is the big day?

9 am November 12 2014, I woke up with an alarm vibrating right beside my pillow. Not something very different. Since the first day of my University I have been waking up with the very same alarm and have reacted almost the same. But this day seemed a bit different, as cliched as it may sound but i felt as if something really big was waiting for me. Curiosity  got the greater of me so i got up from my bed with a little more energy, washed my face, brushed my teeth, plastered an unorthodox smile, compared to the normal days, on my face and went on to take my class. Today is a big day-I thought. Class went on, teacher distributed some sheets, gave a lecture and finally went away. The class was over way early than I had expected or maybe i was so lost in my thoughts that i didn't get the track of the time. It was perhaps the latter part that i believe might be true.

"Hey! did you check your facebook?" one of  my friends shouted at me from the other side of the row. looking at his excitement, i understood i have missed something really big. "What is it?" i said, all the while trying to open my facebook on my phone. Nothing, i found nothing at all. No notification, no messages, no nothing. "What am i missing here?" i asked him again. "Go to F****s profile (the name being censored), and youll see what you missed" he replied with a hint of obviousness in his voice. Well there was something on his profile, A screenshot of his conversation with his father! Ignoring a little spelling mistake in the title of the picture, i read the conversation. "how cool is his father" I told myself, It was something quite different. I have to admit, it was impressive. "Lets see the comments " i thought, little did i know that a mere touch on that comment section will change my whole day. Flabbergasted, might be an understatement here, but believe me I was really shocked!

As i stalked through the comments i couldnt help but asking myself, "how could we have fallen this low? How is it that we just simply cant live without making others feel inferior to ourselves. The world that we have created here, how is it that instead of revolving around the sun as it was supposed to, completes the circle of everlasting lust of emotional warfare, jealousy, constant need to ridicule someone and the need to be superior." Well that's the world we live in.